I can feel myself becoming increasingly more frantic. The more stress I put on myself, the less I am able to concentrate, to sit still and do all the things that would relieve that stress. I'm sure you're familiar with this feeling. The impulse to hide under my covers curled up in the fetal position grows stronger as finals become more of a reality, as I am pulled into more urgent work projects at the last second, as everyone tries to say goodbye for the summer. I'm more worried than usual about the outcome of this finals week (rather than just the horrible prospect of the whole finals process), since it'll shape my schedule next year. I'm generally pretty chill about grades. Sure, I'm terribly disappointed in myself when I don't do well; but if I've learned anything in college (especially one like UChicago), it's that my best is all I can give. And that has to be enough, lest I drive myself crazy.
If I prepared as well as I could, and did as well as I could in the moment, then there was nothing else for me to do. There's peace in that. When it comes time to sit down and take a test, or write a paper, if I haven't prepared adequately, there is no sense in being upset about it. And there's no sense in getting upset about it when I get the grade, because what is there to do about it then?
Up until my second year here, I would actually cry when I got a poor grade on an assignment or exam. Crying is one way that I deal with stress, disappointment, frustration (as I've probably talked about here before, I'm quite skilled at crying in public) -- but I've since stopped crying over my grades. There's the moment of disappointment, that sinking feeling in my gut -- and then I fold the paper in half, shove it in my bag, and it's gone. Maybe this is an immature defense mechanism I've developed, but I like to think that maybe it's a sign that I've matured. We'll see what happens when I graduate with this degree that nobody seems to think is employable or leads to a successful (read: high-earning) career (and that, friends, is a rant for another day).
Snap Pea + Cilantro Quinoa
1 handful cilantro
very heaping 1/3 c sliced almonds
2 cloves garlic
1/4 c grated parmesan cheese
1/3 c olive oil
1/2 lemon, juiced
1 sweet potato, sliced into thin half-moons
Salt to taste
1 c quinoa
2 kaffir lime leaves (optional)
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Toss the sweet potato slices in a tablespoon or two of olive oil, sprinkle with salt to taste, and roast until soft inside and golden brown on the outside. On a separate baking sheet, toast the almonds until lightly golden.
Meanwhile, bring 2 c water to a boil, add the lime leaves if using and a teaspoon or so of salt, then add in the quinoa. Cook for ~12 minutes with the cover on until the water has been absorbed, then let sit covered for another 15 minutes off the heat. Remove the lime leaves and drizzle with a couple tablespoons of olive oil.
In a food processor, add the snap peas, garlic, and cilantro. Process until chopped finely. Add in a scant 1/3 c toasted almonds (you want to leave a few tablespoons to have whole in the final dish) and process those as well. Add in the parmesan and a couple tablespoons of olive oil. With the machine on, drizzle in enough olive oil for the mixture to become a smooth paste. Add in the lemon juice and process until combined. Adjust seasoning as needed.
Once the quinoa has cooled briefly, toss with enough snap pea pesto to coat (but not drown) the quinoa, then toss in the sweet potato slices and almonds. This can be served at any temperature, but I preferred it at room temperature.